Future can be better

It is so complex to try to understand life. There are so many ups and downs. Some days I feel life is unfair to me. Sometimes I think it is not so bad. So why cant we consistently keep neither happy nor sad. In the long run i may not renember any of the daily troubles but i might want to relive some light memories. I read that i should not worry about the future cause who knows...the future could be much better. I sure hope so.

How to keep dreaming?

Yesterday when I reached home late evening from my work, Yogesh’s face was beaming. He proudly showed me a letter, which was from the University where he had applied for a Ph. D.  It informed him officially that he can pursue the course there. This was great news! The guy works really hard to get what he wants from his career and education.  He travels for his Ph. D. work during the weekends, and goes back to his job again without a days rest. I’m sure he does lot of research on the topic he has chosen. So naturally my heartiest congratulations went to him. Few months back, he got the news that he has cleared the NET exam conducted for teaching faculty. Only top 15% of the candidates across India got certified!

But that got me thinking. He is thinking ahead about ‘his’ life. It was a good thing. I wouldn’t say it was mean or selfish, because you do need to think about your own life. By 'own life', I mean your very own individual life. Not the spouse, not the kid, not your parents, not your house. Just you.

Do I? I’ll tell you what I think. I think about retirement planning, I think about my son’s future big school, his talents, how I would develop them, about my husband’s job, about the interiors in my house... But what about ‘me’ as a person?

I used to dream of being 'somebody' someday. But somehow, after my marriage and childbirth, my dreams took a back seat. I forgot about them. I cannot recall what they were exactly. Self-development? Resolve to keep learning? Jumping higher up on the ladder? Be competitive? Achieve respect? I don’t even remember when I started thinking that it is ok to not know everything. I convinced myself that I just need to learn enough to do my job right. Wrong!

I have not entirely forgotten the fervour that I had started my career with. I was fiercely competitive, and extremely hardworking. Today too I do my job with sincerity and the aim for perfection, but the craze???

I put my singing classes on the backburner too. No one made me do it; I myself couldn’t find the time and energy. If I was so inclined, I would have done something to overcome the hurdles. But here I convinced myself that it was not so important in life. I am to blame.

I have forgotten to put that last ounce of myself in my goals and dreams. I’ve stopped thinking about what I should learn that will take me ahead, and most importantly do what I love to do. All this ranting doesn’t mean that I don’t like what I have got. I have taken these decisions and I don’t regret and blame anyone. Spending time with my family and the office work is rewarding too.

Yet when I saw his letter yesterday, I felt a pang of guilt for something that I didn’t try. Something that I gave up on. Can you be envious of your husband?

Raising a kid and working at an office job is a big juggling activity for any woman. I do all I can to make the best of the time I have at office and at home. In between these two things, I gave up on lots of dreams. Both willingly and unwillingly, but mostly because I felt there were no other options. It was easy to convince myself that they were not important. Wrong!

I know that I should keep dreaming. But how? Should I change my dreams now, or keep the same ones I had? Can I dream of achieving them? Is it right to expect so much out of myself?

Thinking.

 

My life is based on a true story

Someone once told me that 'You only understand the meaning of what you do when you look at the past. You can only join the dots looking back'. Now when I imagine my earlier education, the days at my mom’s house, grueling engineering results, MBA campus and all... it sounds like there was a story being made. It is still going on.

During my school days I felt like I could achieve anything, become anything. I passed out with flying colors and got selected into engineering. Even though I wanted to do be a medical professional, and getting admission in one of the good colleges, I chose engineering.
I came to know what great brains truly mean :) It just means being smart. Yes. I don't think all engineers are super intelligent. It is just that they are smart. I always thought I am doing something that I shouldn't be doing. ... Engineering??!!! What in the world was I thinking???

When I managed to pass that, fate decided to change sails and after some research I ended up doing MBA (it was also because admissions to other streams were already closed by that time).
I thought I was always the odd person out in the MBA group. Too technical, not wanting to lose the sharpness I got in Engineering. Today when I look back to those days, I feel I want to live them again. If given a choice, I would do everything that I avoided doing during those days - late night parties ;) socializing, bunking lectures, group studies, canteen time pass, etc etc etc. Yet, they were the best days I can remember.

I hardly remember why I chose to stay in Pune. I declined offers from my campus and another offer from Infy to join my present company. When I look back at those earlier job years now, I know I worked hard, achieved great, learnt a lot.

Well, I was beginning to get set in a routine, but the big director - life - doesn't want the story to look boring... it introduced Yogesh to me... and we got married. Even today, everyday, there is a story being written and it feels like I am playing the lead role in it. I am sure there is a great climax to this and looking back at today, I will be happy to see that every phase was so beautiful, so fulfilling.