Yesterday when I reached home late evening from my work, Yogesh’s face was
beaming. He proudly showed me a letter, which was from the University where he
had applied for a Ph. D. It informed him
officially that he can pursue the course there. This was great news! The guy works
really hard to get what he wants from his career and education. He travels for his Ph. D. work during the
weekends, and goes back to his job again without a days rest. I’m sure he does lot
of research on the topic he has chosen. So naturally my heartiest
congratulations went to him. Few months back, he got the news that he has cleared the NET exam conducted for teaching faculty. Only top 15% of the candidates across India got certified!
But that got me thinking. He is thinking ahead about ‘his’ life. It was a good thing. I wouldn’t say it was mean or selfish, because you do need to think about your own life. By 'own life', I mean your very own individual life. Not the spouse, not the kid, not your parents, not your house. Just you.
Do I? I’ll tell you what I think. I think about retirement planning, I think about my son’s future big school, his talents, how I would develop them, about my husband’s job, about the interiors in my house... But what about ‘me’ as a person?
I used to dream of being 'somebody' someday. But somehow, after my marriage and childbirth, my dreams took a back seat. I forgot about them. I cannot recall what they were exactly. Self-development? Resolve to keep learning? Jumping higher up on the ladder? Be competitive? Achieve respect? I don’t even remember when I started thinking that it is ok to not know everything. I convinced myself that I just need to learn enough to do my job right. Wrong!
I have not entirely forgotten the fervour that I had started my career with. I was fiercely competitive, and extremely hardworking. Today too I do my job with sincerity and the aim for perfection, but the craze???
I put my singing classes on the backburner too. No one made me do it; I myself couldn’t find the time and energy. If I was so inclined, I would have done something to overcome the hurdles. But here I convinced myself that it was not so important in life. I am to blame.
I have forgotten to put that last ounce of myself in my goals and dreams. I’ve stopped thinking about what I should learn that will take me ahead, and most importantly do what I love to do. All this ranting doesn’t mean that I don’t like what I have got. I have taken these decisions and I don’t regret and blame anyone. Spending time with my family and the office work is rewarding too.
Yet when I saw his letter yesterday, I felt a pang of guilt for something that I didn’t try. Something that I gave up on. Can you be envious of your husband?
Raising a kid and working at an office job is a big juggling activity for any woman. I do all I can to make the best of the time I have at office and at home. In between these two things, I gave up on lots of dreams. Both willingly and unwillingly, but mostly because I felt there were no other options. It was easy to convince myself that they were not important. Wrong!
I know that I should keep dreaming. But how? Should I change my dreams now, or keep the same ones I had? Can I dream of achieving them? Is it right to expect so much out of myself?
Thinking.
But that got me thinking. He is thinking ahead about ‘his’ life. It was a good thing. I wouldn’t say it was mean or selfish, because you do need to think about your own life. By 'own life', I mean your very own individual life. Not the spouse, not the kid, not your parents, not your house. Just you.
Do I? I’ll tell you what I think. I think about retirement planning, I think about my son’s future big school, his talents, how I would develop them, about my husband’s job, about the interiors in my house... But what about ‘me’ as a person?
I used to dream of being 'somebody' someday. But somehow, after my marriage and childbirth, my dreams took a back seat. I forgot about them. I cannot recall what they were exactly. Self-development? Resolve to keep learning? Jumping higher up on the ladder? Be competitive? Achieve respect? I don’t even remember when I started thinking that it is ok to not know everything. I convinced myself that I just need to learn enough to do my job right. Wrong!
I have not entirely forgotten the fervour that I had started my career with. I was fiercely competitive, and extremely hardworking. Today too I do my job with sincerity and the aim for perfection, but the craze???
I put my singing classes on the backburner too. No one made me do it; I myself couldn’t find the time and energy. If I was so inclined, I would have done something to overcome the hurdles. But here I convinced myself that it was not so important in life. I am to blame.
I have forgotten to put that last ounce of myself in my goals and dreams. I’ve stopped thinking about what I should learn that will take me ahead, and most importantly do what I love to do. All this ranting doesn’t mean that I don’t like what I have got. I have taken these decisions and I don’t regret and blame anyone. Spending time with my family and the office work is rewarding too.
Yet when I saw his letter yesterday, I felt a pang of guilt for something that I didn’t try. Something that I gave up on. Can you be envious of your husband?
Raising a kid and working at an office job is a big juggling activity for any woman. I do all I can to make the best of the time I have at office and at home. In between these two things, I gave up on lots of dreams. Both willingly and unwillingly, but mostly because I felt there were no other options. It was easy to convince myself that they were not important. Wrong!
I know that I should keep dreaming. But how? Should I change my dreams now, or keep the same ones I had? Can I dream of achieving them? Is it right to expect so much out of myself?
Thinking.
