Midlife crisis - the sneaky devil

The feeling sneaked up on me slowly, unknowingly in one or two ways, capturing my mind for a few seconds at a time. I would be reading a book, or walking down to the gym, or doing my office work, or stare at the wall of my house.

This is it. My life. Done. There's that. Nothings gonna change for the better. 

My life is all lived. What remains is a follow through on the current obligations and close the book once and for all.

Made a career out of choices that I had in life. Not too great, but not bad either. Now cannot go and do anything drastically better. Cannot live another life - Did I want to become a Doctor? Writer? Chapter closed, baby, no ideas coming at you now. Just live with what you have and achieve more in your own field. I always lived an extremely conventional life, overshadowed with the thought that I was inferior in looks, height. The major reason I did not do medical was that I am shorter than average. I thought, I couldn't do surgeries, patients will not trust me. And today women are breaking all boundaries. succeeding in all fields without any limitations. I love todays generation. 

I loved classical singing. Learning it now. Gosh, it sometimes feels like people might be judging me - a midlife-auntie who wants to do prove to the world that she is better than anyone. On contrary, I feel like I have lost 30 years in not learning what I always wanted to learn. Now more than half of my life is over. Maybe I can squeeze in something I want too. 

Wanted to travel. Really. 20 year me wanted to see many countries. I have seen - none. So many mental blocks, so many please-yous', so many responsibilities. I give no blame to others. It was me who did not make it happen, and who always waited for company, when so many women are solo backpackers! Now I am older and I simply do not want to go to difficult places alone and do not feel like seeing new things without my family. So my mental block also has a life of 50 years.  

Owning an independent house that has a lawn and garden with a big terrace was a dream. It is still a dream but I think it is slipping slowing on the dark corner shelf. Maybe in my next life.

Health wise, I am not bad but not good. Now comes the age when any minor symptom feels like an undiagnosed disease. Scary at times. Anxiety keeps interrupting my sleep.

Child has grown up and now shows me what is possible with my own phone and laptop. Shows me what is new in the world. I hear hungrily, trying to learn everything that I can, cause at least I don't feel ignored as a mom.

Mom is frail now, and everyday feels like she is what I need in life to live for. I always wanted to prove myself to my parents.  With them so old, and dad gone, it feels like there is no one to cheer me up anymore. Who should I show my success to? And more, who can I tell when i am hurt by the world and my own body. I need her, she needs me and I feel time is slipping, taking us away from each other slowly.

Books reading almost stopped due to the self created stressful prison.

Late night dance parties - never had them. Recently office parties gave me some reason to be happy. I went dancing for the first time in my 40+ years in a pub! It felt so free. Why did I consider it a taboo before? I wish I got back my 25 years so I could do more of this. Would I? 

Going to gym is no longer a choice but is a necessity. Sometimes It helps my anxiety, makes me feel like I can drag this body for a bit longer if I exercise. Thankfully some days I am motivated, if not all. 

Oh, this article is just a start. More ramblings are on the pages from a mid-lifer who has so many balls in the air, and does not have time to look at my baby smile. 

Music journey continues to Gayaki and loving it

My music journey is slowly progressing. I am loving every minute of it. 

Thanks to my guruji Shri. Dhananjay Marathe-ji, Warje, Pune, who's teaching style is perfect. 

First of all, the sessions are online (though offline can be chosen). We get to decide on mutual timings depending on our schedules, so flexibility is there. This was a hurdle for me before I started learning.

But mainly, he has a way of simplifying things so well, and explaining every facet of the raag, that I get to covert the artistic explanation to technical in my mind. This helps me learn. When I know the nature of the raag, what swar should come in what sequence, and how it compares with other raags.

He answers all questions patiently. 

My Achievement. (I'll post a pic of the certificate soon)

I passed the Praveshika Pratham oral exam in First class. I'm proud of myself!  

8 raags, lakshangeet, tarana, dhrupad and other technical theory... all memorized. Kind of nervous reciting what was asked. 

Now I am learning it differently this year. Moved on to Gayaki i.e. slower paced learning where we get to know a raag deeply, to cover vakra taan, raag swaroops, vilambit khayals, chota khayal, tarana, and much more! 

For a person handling corporate life, managing home and family, it is a tough job to learn Indian / Hindustani classical music. But it is possible with a bit of management, lots of patience, technology, and loads of passion to learn it. 

Hooked on to F1 2024

Was meaning to post this last year! I wonder why it was sitting in drafts.

We sisters had quite different tastes in watching TV since childhood, compared to my neighbors and our friends. We watched He-man, Street-Hawk, X-Files and Highlander in late 80s and 90s!  We hardly saw Shaktiman. We loved Michael Jackson, N-Sync, Boyzone, Backstreet boys. My sister even loved Linkin Park! 

So obviously in sports we used to watch a lot of Wimbledon and Formula One - F1 as well. We kept track of race schedule too. In those days we did not have internet - so we had to remember the dates and had the channel added through our cable provider. We did not know stats, but knew the drivers and who's who. Schumacher was a fan favorite and so was ours, same like Alonso and Jensen Button! Those were the happy days. 

Fast forward 15 years...my kid discovered F1 since last year. He loves it. I bought a subscription of Fancode for him. He can tell you driver stats, their nationality,  the team principals nationality, the team nationality. He can tell me which car has what adjustment this season, the F1 changed rules since which year, etc. 

While watching yesterday's Silverstone circuit race with him, the talked me through the circuit corners, why they are choosing medium tires in the beginning, why switch to Inters, which team has the best strategy, why the DRS is disabled, etc. I ask a million questions and he explains. 

Lewis won that race, while I was rooting for Lando and Russel. My son's eyes light up when he talks on this. I can visibly see his struggle to tell me all about so many things at once. At one instance he said to me, "Mom, I have to tell you everything about Pirelli, and how they allocate tires, and the rules. But it will take 2 hours so let us watch the race now.". Poor boy.

He wants to pursue a career in engineering related to this. Let's see.

While this was happening...I myself felt young all over again and went back to those old, carefree days when I could freely indulge and get swept by any sport. Feels like ages. 

They say, bond with your kids and share their hobbies. I was able to bond with him so easily on this. It was like a guilty pleasure to even be in that moment. I felt sad at the same time, thinking that this moment will not last forever. 

Here's a post qualifying pic of the drivers we were dying for!

More here. https://www.formula1.com/en/latest/article/hamilton-beats-verstappen-to-first-win-since-2021-with-record-breaking-9th.3teU9bznaWJlC2TGAYh0Vl 
  

I am heartbroken for Norris. He is 3rd for now, but will get there one day! 

राग भूप - मोरा झांझ मंजीरा बाजे

Years ago, I had posted a Bandish taught to my mom in her childhood - now 60 years ago. Here is the URL.  Malkauns Raag bandish

Here is another Bandish in Raag Bhoopali/Bhoop that was taught to her 6 decades ago.

राग भूप - मोरा झांझ मंजीरा बाजे

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झांन्झ मंजीलऱा बाजे  रे मोरा - २ 

गुणी सब गाये रास मंजीलरा  - २

नृत्य करे सब कान -कन्हैय्या  - २

आनंद करे सब लोगवा ।।धृ ।।

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It means that melodious instruments like jhanj and manjilara which are used in worship of deities in temple are ringing everywhere. 

All good people are singing songs.

All boys and girls (compared to Lord Krishna) are dancing

Everyone is rejoicing.  

I am bubu

Missing you dad

I am feeling sad, pappa. Life is tough. 

I know you cannot read this, but I don't know how to get it out of my mind. I don't know who will listen and who I can burden with, with my thoughts which keep recurring time to time when I am facing challenges.

You were such a stable support for me through my childhood. You never let me be beat up by my insecurities and inferiority complex. You raised me, actually all your daughters to be fighters. You made sure that if push comes to shove, we will manage it. You never stopped me or let me take no for an answer for whichever direction I set my sails to. 

It is surprising that most of my life I never even had a thought like - What if I do this and fail? What if I have no one to help me? I failed only a few times and failed a few times badly.  You kept me going and in your own traditional ways found means for me to rise up again. 

Remember Engineering Mechanics? Passi sir? SEED institute? Shorter height meant I was behind in many sports and my class could have bullied me...but you made me so so mentally strong that no one could even dare. 

You once told me that height is not important to be successful. You wanted me to be a collector. I went in engineering. You said join Infy when I had a campus offer. I wanted to study post-grad. People around us said that I was mad to let go of such a good offer. Mom thought that the only software company in the world was Infosys. You arranged money from a private lender, which was so heartbreaking. I took a loan next year, but never realized that you never even asked me the first year money back! And I could have done so much more to return your favour before I was married. 

When the whole world said that I cannot drive a car cause I might not be able to reach the pedels, you, being a quality officer in Central Government Vehicle Ordanance, said that it is simply not true. You said I should learn it anyway and then find a car that suits me. And I did! You always said to me that you can always sit relaxed while I was driving.    

While other kids were busy playing and watching TV (local channels), you wanted us to learn English so we were the only ones who had all English channels, US and UK movies CDs and music and novels. You made me take Coding, typing, Public speaking, debates and were proud of the fact that I was doing well there. And how could I forget the books! From DC and Marvel comic books - no one in our whole town knew those back then, when I had a huge set - to Agatha Christie and Sherlock Holmes novels... and later to Engineering reference books. All was paid by you dearly, and without a word. How did you manage pappa? How did you have the money in your government job salary? Didn't you feel somewhere that I should avoid buying all this!

Strong though you made me, today I feel so lonely sometimes. Things are not all glittery and glamourous all the while. You would have wanted me to stand up and deal with it with vigour. But I think I do not have that support anymore.  I break down sometimes thinking that if you'd be here, you'd say, "It's ok. Do this, or do it like that.", and I would have either argued with you or listened to you. At least I was heard.

Today, so many months after your passing, I think no one can fill that void. When I notice any gray haired old man with his daughter or a son passing by, I think they have the world with them yet.  They are still young, small, someone's kid, someone's kid who can ask questions, make mistakes, cry in their laps, get up and dance again. When a parent is lost, no matter what your age is, you are no longer a child. You are a grown up and have to act like one. 

I will meet you one day dad and cry a lot for not letting me take care of you more while you were sick. I will scold you for leaving us so soon. I will say sorry cause I was not understanding enough or soft spoken enough. 

I will never leave you again. Someday. 

 

 

 

Artificial intelligence from a kid's perspective.

My bubu can now write essays!

When do kids grow up so much. From time when he started writing words like Hat, Bat... to now when he writes essays. He has good intelligence and absolutely loves watching scientific videos and channels. He wants to do everything - know about planets, supernovas, stars, and interstellar space, to atoms, molecular dynamics and all. His way of learning is seeing and hearing. But do not expect he can write as well too. Here he makes silly spelling mistakes and the flow of ideas need to be a bit regulated. I think that will come in it's own sweet time. For now I am a proud mommy.

Dharti ki shaan

Arya sings

dharti ki shaan 

tu hai manu ki santaan

teri mutthiyon me band toofan hai

manusha tu bada mahan hai 

bhul mat

manusha tu bada mahan hai

Arya's voice when he is 11 yrs old.

 Bubu you can make tea.........but make only little for me in white cup. make it less sugary ... be careful with it.

Baby growing up

I dont know babu why i stopped writing about you. i was so much engrossed in my own world and my own thoughts that i thought writing about you didnt matter. but it does. because all i ever think about is you. how much i love you. how much i want to be there for you always. i find peace and life through you.

you always try to make me laugh and talk about so many nonsensical topics. but for me these are the most important topics to talk about.

when i try to sing and record an audio, you budge in and say - mom ill sing...and you sing something like Dharti ki shaan tu hai manu ki santan...or that old hindi song you know... 

draft post dated 16.8.2018. publishing today.

Roses after 7 years I suppose

Yogesh gave me a bunch of roses couple of days ago, after sooo many years. I loved the feeling.
Arya wanted to click pics and do some artwork on the pic.

Migraine is a devil

Can't seem to do the right thing no matter what. Something or the other triggers it. No amount of predictive thinking or post migraine analysis proves any algorithm. Guess life is to be lived one day at a time.

Train station

A train station with ticket window, ticket clerk, waiting room, station master cabin, railway police station, washroom, chai coffee wala, book stall. Plus an announcement wala bhopu.

Train goes from near railway gates and  farms and mountains and waterfalls.

Future can be better

It is so complex to try to understand life. There are so many ups and downs. Some days I feel life is unfair to me. Sometimes I think it is not so bad. So why cant we consistently keep neither happy nor sad. In the long run i may not renember any of the daily troubles but i might want to relive some light memories. I read that i should not worry about the future cause who knows...the future could be much better. I sure hope so.

Poems and studies

Y is being more mature and understanding these days of various things. I thank him for doing so much... almost everything.

Love to see father and son bonding over watching cricket, sports and other such videos and movies.
I wish they bonded over real stuff than TV but not all dreams come true.

Nadal is playing sooo bad. I had wanted him to win but don't know now if I do.

AR wanted to join Gymnastics so I went to school to get him enrolled (fees was exorbitant yet ... and transport cost extra). However ultimately school said that there is no transport to drop him back home and so had to cancel it. He felt sad for some time. poor guy. I am going to search some other sport for him nearby. I haven't been able to give him outdoor time due to my health and also work. But I have to do something for him.

He now sings so many rhymes and English and Hindi songs....Also Marathi songs like:
Light a candle for peace, light a candle for love
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
Down by the jungle where nobody goes
Down by the way, where the watermelons grow

Ek chhota beej jamen ke andar tha, ankhen band karke vo so raha tha (Hindi)

Khabdak khabdak ghodoba (Marathi)
Nach re mora (Marathi)
Mora re Mora kay tujha tora (Marathi)
Ye re ye re pausa (Marathi)

Me and Y are so proud of him.

He can do lots of stuff in maths, english and science subjects.

He is v. smart and interprets and guesses so many physics and biology concepts himself.

His love is the space. He dreams of becoming an astronaut.

Other dreams
- to go to 10th standard and buy a pet dog. Train him to be an engineer and ask him to rescue the planet. he will drive the controls.
- to get a backpack and stuff all objects in it and go and rescue animals. He takes his one leg scooter cycle, wears a blue skating helmet and takes a backpack with random articles in the house. Roams around playing and rescuing animals.
- to become a driver of a garbage van/road sweeping van/platform cleaning van/railway engine / plane
- to become a builder/engineer/garage mechanic.

Sometimes I feel he is so timid and afraid to confront people. I am trying to make him a bit aggressive...

Malkauns bandish taught to my mom

राग मालकौंस - राग वर्णन

तब मालकौन्स गुणी चतुर गाय -२
जब ग म ध नि को कोमल बनाए
जब ग म ध नि को बिक़रत बनाए
रब मालकौंस गुणी चतुर गाय||ध्रू||

मेल करत भैरव मध्यम सुर
औन्श समय नित त्रितिय करे प्रहर
री प वर्जित ओढ़व बनाए ||१||

Another cheez taught to my mom when she was a kid. I learnt just listening to her sing it.

Meaning - 

A talented artist can sing Malkauns when he / she can make the swaras G, M Dha Ni Komal.

it is a raag to be sung at the third prahar and it is a odhav type of raag with R and P missing.

Yadunandana jhani dhav naa. - Bhairavi

बंदिश - राग - भैरवी
ताल - त्रिताल (तीन ताल)
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यदुनन्दना झनि धाव ना
पळ धीर ना, अधिरा मना ||धृ||

भाव सागरी, मती बावरी
छळती जिवा कटू भावना ||१||


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I have grown up listening to this cheez or bandish in Raag Bhairavi from my mom. It is an old and a rare one and she sings it so melodiously. (some wordings might need correction as this is from her memory when she learnt it almost 50 years ago!)

A bandish that I liked in Raag Gaud Malhar- Jhuki aayi badariya sawan ki

बंदिश - राग - गौढ मल्हार.
ताल - तीनताल


झुकी आई बदरिया सावन की

सावन की मन भावन की ||०||

---

सावन में  उमगे मन अपना

छान्ड चले परदेस पियरवा

सुध ना रही घर आवन् की ||१||


Raag Gaud Malhar- Jhuki aayi badariya sawan ki

Meaning - The dark clouds are looming low in monsoon. A monsoon that I love with all my heart.
Monsoon helps us find our soul and my beloved is about to leave me and go to foreign lands.
I shed my sense to come back home.

Learning Raag Bhairav - a soothing morning raga

I'm learning Raag Bhairav these days. 

It is a morning raga with komal re and komal dha and all other swaras shudha. This raga has andolit Dha swar. e.g. 'dha dha Pa Ma Pa Ga'. 

I am enjoying the songs in this raga. The Chhota Khayal being taught to me on this is - 'Guru ek data vishwavidhata' in Tritaal/Teental.  The Bada khayal being taught is 'Baalamva More Sainya', in Tritaal/Teentaal.

Known hindi film songs on Raag Bhairav are 

• Jaago mohan pyare
• Mohe bhool gaye Sanwariya
• Sun ri pawan
• Aai Malik tere bande hum 

Currently we are preparing for a in-house program of our class members dedicated to our guru. so we are also learning a group song 'Guru ne dila dyana rupi vasa'

Kamal Maushi - a pure and a simple soul

Kamal maushi.

I don’t know why I suddenly remembered her. I wanted to cook some rice today and was bored of the usual dal bhat. I was thinking of making some type of rice that won’t have garam masala and that would involve less effort. One such rice was a simple yellow rice that Kamal maushi used to make, adding onions, green chili and potatoes. I would come running from school and demand the cooker to be opened even before it cooled down!

Kamal Maushi was my mom’s elder sister. She was a calm and demure person, who usually stayed out of crowds and chaos. She was also the only child out of my grandmothers eight kids who was unmarried. She was thin and had an average appearance that was accentuated by the fact that she stayed in plain clothes, hid herself from the family, and felt sad that she was alone in life.

As a child she helped her mom a lot in their kitchen, helping to cook a meal for 14 people at least thrice a day. She loved reading and was sharp in studies but could peruse her academics only till the 9^th standard because her specs broke one day, and her parents didn’t have money to get a new pair! Kids sacrificed a lot back then! They didn’t mind owning only a pair of clothes and didn’t mind stitching and wearing the same old ones.

After my granddad passed away and in the years that followed, somehow marriage slipped Kamal maushi and she had to stay single. She hated it – to be dependent on brothers and sisters for daily bread and butter. My uncle and others tried but couldn't find the right match for her.

Maushi and Ajji stayed with us for a few years at our Pimpri house. Although my dad didn’t talk much to them, he didn’t fight or cause problems to them either. Even then, it was natural for Maushi to feel like she was imposing her stay. She felt helpless. I rarely saw her laughing and smiling, but sometimes I caught her laughing when our family used to crack jokes on each other. She might have be missing this family feeling, but she didn't let us know.

Of all kids (my cousins), I was her special! She knew that I loved garam garam varan bhat and I loved dal served right after it first comes to a boil! 

At my cousins wedding in Mumbai, among so many guests, relatives and my cousins, she would find me and serve me the steaming rice and dal! I always thought that I was her only favorite, but later knew better, when my other cousins also narrated such incidents!

As a teenager I wasn't very sensitive to her feelings though. We didn’t know what she needed, like clothes or wanted to eat something different. I remember that she kept saying she wanted to eat kebabs and that I should ask my dad to get chicken kheema one day. She said she would make it for all of us. A simple wish! But I was too involved in my own world. I didn’t know what kheema was and wasn’t interested, so never told my dad. She couldn’t tell anyone herself. So she never had it in our house.  

Mom also said that Maushi mentioned to someone that my mom never bought a Saree for her while she stayed in our house. My Mom had her own problems taking care of 3 daughters, balancing her husband’s mind while keeping her mom and her sister at our place! No one is blame. My mom took care of them for years, provided for them and never ill spoke to them!  No matter what we do, we always feel that we could have done more. 

Later Maushi moved to my uncle’s empty house with Ajji. One day she came home to meet us and she showed me a swelling under her ear saying she has gotten it tested and the results are awaited. She wanted me to say something but I was shocked! I told her not to worry. That day she also told me that I should get married someday (In my late 20s I was dead against the idea of a marriage). She told me that marriage was very important in life. It allows you to have someone to take care of you, to rest your head on someone shoulders, to have kids who will call you mom. She said that she wanted to get married. Her elder sister’s husband had even brought a few prospects for her but somehow it didn't work out, so she had declined. She felt that now anyone would have been ok. She told me that parents do not last forever…. I didn’t know what to say. 

She was wearing a red saree the day when she was leaving. I went to the building gate to see her off. I told her to come back again the next week. She replied that she might not get to make it back again. I kept waving until she turned around the street corner. While waving I sadly thought ‘what if she really cannot make it to Pimpri the next time’!

I was in final year engineering and had just submitted my last exam paper in college, when I came to know the diagnosis on phone. She had limited time with us! I sat there and cried my heart out not knowing what to do. I didn’t want her to leave us!

We visited her a few times and I was a bit afraid to see her each time. The illness was taking its toll. I sat near her, talked to her, avoiding the illness subject. She wanted me to sit near her but I was afraid. It all feels so foolish now. She might have felt so sad knowing that I was afraid to look at her. She liked Maggi and my other maushi use to feed it to her (why not?). 

When I was leaving that day, I cried. Does a dying person know that probably she would see me the last time? From her balcony, did she watch me and my mom walking to the main gate thinking that this is the final time she can see us?

After a few weeks we got the news that she was no more. All her sisters, relatives and us cousins were devastated. Funny how you dress a person in green with all bangles and all after they are no more, while never giving them the respect a married lady gets their whole lives.

I saw her in my dreams later a couple of times and had asked her how she was. I also asked her why she was here. No answers…

A pure and a simple soul she was…