The feeling sneaked up on me slowly, unknowingly in one or two ways, capturing my mind for a few seconds at a time. I would be reading a book, or walking down to the gym, or doing my office work, or stare at the wall of my house.
This is it. My life. Done. There's that. Nothings gonna change for the better.
My life is all lived. What remains is a follow through on the current obligations and close the book once and for all.
Made a career out of choices that I had in life. Not too great, but not bad either. Now cannot go and do anything drastically better. Cannot live another life - Did I want to become a Doctor? Writer? Chapter closed, baby, no ideas coming at you now. Just live with what you have and achieve more in your own field. I always lived an extremely conventional life, overshadowed with the thought that I was inferior in looks, height. The major reason I did not do medical was that I am shorter than average. I thought, I couldn't do surgeries, patients will not trust me. And today women are breaking all boundaries. succeeding in all fields without any limitations. I love todays generation.
I loved classical singing. Learning it now. Gosh, it sometimes feels like people might be judging me - a midlife-auntie who wants to do prove to the world that she is better than anyone. On contrary, I feel like I have lost 30 years in not learning what I always wanted to learn. Now more than half of my life is over. Maybe I can squeeze in something I want too.
Wanted to travel. Really. 20 year me wanted to see many countries. I have seen - none. So many mental blocks, so many please-yous', so many responsibilities. I give no blame to others. It was me who did not make it happen, and who always waited for company, when so many women are solo backpackers! Now I am older and I simply do not want to go to difficult places alone and do not feel like seeing new things without my family. So my mental block also has a life of 50 years.
Owning an independent house that has a lawn and garden with a big terrace was a dream. It is still a dream but I think it is slipping slowing on the dark corner shelf. Maybe in my next life.
Health wise, I am not bad but not good. Now comes the age when any minor symptom feels like an undiagnosed disease. Scary at times. Anxiety keeps interrupting my sleep.
Child has grown up and now shows me what is possible with my own phone and laptop. Shows me what is new in the world. I hear hungrily, trying to learn everything that I can, cause at least I don't feel ignored as a mom.
Mom is frail now, and everyday feels like she is what I need in life to live for. I always wanted to prove myself to my parents. With them so old, and dad gone, it feels like there is no one to cheer me up anymore. Who should I show my success to? And more, who can I tell when i am hurt by the world and my own body. I need her, she needs me and I feel time is slipping, taking us away from each other slowly.
Books reading almost stopped due to the self created stressful prison.
Late night dance parties - never had them. Recently office parties gave me some reason to be happy. I went dancing for the first time in my 40+ years in a pub! It felt so free. Why did I consider it a taboo before? I wish I got back my 25 years so I could do more of this. Would I?
Going to gym is no longer a choice but is a necessity. Sometimes It helps my anxiety, makes me feel like I can drag this body for a bit longer if I exercise. Thankfully some days I am motivated, if not all.
Oh, this article is just a start. More ramblings are on the pages from a mid-lifer who has so many balls in the air, and does not have time to look at my baby smile.
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